Vision 6: Crucify Her

I have no idea where I am heading. I do not know what will emerge. I touch the soles of my feet together. I am in my feet. I ask, “Who am I to serve?” A woman’s voice replies, “Everyone.” I shift my conscious up to my genitals and ask, “Who am I to unite with, commune with?” The woman replies, “Everyone.” My consciousness moves to my stomach and I ask, “Whose pain am I to feel?” A sense of dread fills me, as I fear the answer. She says, “Everyone.”  My stomach fills with pain. I scream, “Araaaaaagh.” I writhe in agony. I scream. I scream in pain. “Araaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.” I shout at the voice, “How can I hold the pain of everyone? I can’t. I’ll die.” I scream, “Araaaaaagh.” My stomach is bloated with pain. My consciousness sticks there. Angrily I shout, “How do I hold the pain?” The woman’s voice says, “You are pregnant, you are trying to give birth to a child.” “Why is it so painful?” I demand.  The woman’s voice says, “Because every child knows the pain of everyone. That is why when we are born we disassociate from God because each one of us holds all the pain of the world and it is unbearable until we have turned our mind to God.” I want to cry, “I turn my mind to God.” I hope that if I turn to God the pain will go away. But I know it is an escape and I will have no choice but physically to birth this child and to go through the pangs. Knowing this I scream, “Araaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.” I am in a hot bath trying to give birth to this child. A child incased in God but a child that has the power to touch the pain of the whole world. I scream, “Araaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaagh.” A spasm of pain flows down me, wracking me, my back arches up as I scream,  “Araaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. Get this child out of me!” I shout at the voice, “How come in birth I suffer so long and yet all you can tell me is my child has the power to feel all the pain of the universe?”  The woman’s voice says, “Will your child be born alive?” I know it will. At that moment I relax, I release and all my muscles go limp. The child plops out.

A beautiful baby child is born. I pick up the child and cradle it to my breast but as I do I say,  “This won’t work. I am a man.” The voice says, “Spiritual nourishment you will give.” I cry, sob and my breasts hurt. The baby latches and I have comfort. Then I shout out, “What form of comfort is this experience? Are you transgendering me?” The woman’s voice says, “As a man you need to know what you do to me by denying my authority. It is in my body and the body of every woman to touch the pain of giving birth and immediately afterwards to give nourishment. Do you not believe in the Resurrection? After the blinding pain of giving birth the nourishment comes in and it is human. As a man you have it hard to understand this because you cannot feel your body in this way like a woman. Know this, I send you this anguished experience out of love and connection.” I cry, sob uncontrollably. “Now you know,” says the woman’s voice, “Why some women never need to climb, they already know. They are told from their feet upward through their bodies, from the ground up because life is as much a gift from earth as it is from heaven. Now you are held by the love of earth and the love of God’s presence. Sink into the heart of both and know that I, the Virgin Void of God is holding you all before the Beginning.”

I look up and sense light connecting through all seven points of my body, feet, genitals, stomach, heart, throat, head, and crown. I say, “My heart is beating with a child resting on my breast. I can feel my heart is open; my voice is clear to scream pain and I feel the joy. I am warm and bruised and my mind is open to God and earth.” The woman voice of God says, “Look at the gift of your body and the intimacy of the earth. It is a path too. Oh men I weep for you, for you know not this.” I cry.

“If you want to know,” the woman voice of God says, “Meet this blind folded woman holding a balance and a sword.” The most sensual woman appears blindfolded holding a sword and a balance. It is she, Justice. The woman voice of God booms, “If I look at Man’s handling of gender, sexuality or intimacy watch how Justice’s scales rock back and forth.” I see the scales violently rock from side to side to such an extent that Justice has to clench her fist to stop the balance from coming out of her hands. Now with anger the woman voice of God says, “On the one hand there is nothing but celibacy or barren abstinence and on the other side you grope for every piece of flesh you can get.” Now shouting she says, “Don’t you understand the balance that is the birth of a child or is the birth of a life long relationship that nurtures a child in spirituality and molds the resources of the world to its love? Whether the child is born of flesh or is the symbol of a spirit in a relationship nourished between two people it remains, always is and will be a child of God capable of feeling all the pain and all the love that you desire to afflict and give to it.”

Justice walks up to me. I ask, “Can I see your eyes?” She replies kindly, “No I am blind for a purpose. People think my eyes are beautiful.” Then her tone snaps and changes, she screams in a rage, “but the truth is they were gouged out!!!!” Before I can move she strikes me with the sword of striking love. She slices my body open from head to toe. My body falls away. I am left standing as a soul in the form of a body of shimmering gold. Angrily Justice demands in a cry, “To whom will you unite and give a spiritual birth?” My soul body shimmers changing gender depending on what Justice wants of me. Inside I ask myself, “Am I a man? Am I woman?” I know that as a spiritual body it matters not which. Justice plunges her sword into my chest up to the hilt. She cuts around the heart. She reaches into my chest and caresses my heart and she says, “To get to God you will love the earth on which you stand.” She turns my heart to the ground. Then she says, “Connect from the heart to touch your feet. From feet connect to the place of sexuality and where women give birth, two different dimensions of intimacy. From the place of sexuality and birth connect to the stomach and the place of pain. From the stomach and the place of pain connect to your heart.” She pulls her hand out of my chest leaving my heart inside me connected to the earth. She leaves the sword of striking love run through me. It absorbs into my heart and my heart grows big, my chest expands. Physically I feel the sense that I am a man, I am a warrior and I am a woman in the spirit as needed. I can fight and I can nourish with strength.

Justice says, “Give this out, one teardrop at a time. The tears will explode with power of an atom bomb of good for love as each one hits the ground. Know that when you turn your mind to God he will not come down and lift you out of your mind and carry you to some imagined heaven. No he will look over your shoulder and see everything that you have done, felt and been. He will judge your impact on every person in the world.” I look up out of my body, through my crown, the egg of light, towards heaven above. I touch my thumbs to my index fingers, forming a circle and open my palms. I interlock the thumb, index finger circle of each hand into two encircling circles. “Ah yes,” Justice says. “Now you see above you the interlocking circles of infinity. Do not think your revelations will just lift you out to God into some ecstatic place. No, they will bring you back to exactly where you are now in the present. All moments from the Beginning and all the way through to Eternity will be with you present when you die.”

At this point I rise out of my body. I find myself up above the planet earth looking down. There are others with me. We are departing from the earth. We have a perfect view of the earth and amazingly we can see right through to the earth’s core. We feel the physical universe reverberating through us. I know that God knows and feels everything, man, woman, earth and universe.

I am back in my body. Justice says, “Listen with the greatest care to what I have to say. Repair the Man inflicted wounds of Christianity. The men who crucified Christ, crucify him again, they crucify for their own power. Ask nothing for yourself because the world will give you what you need. Be present. Now awake.” My eyes are forced open. I sit up. Justice continues, “Cradle this baby that I have given you. Take it and show it to others, because they want to nurture it too.” Suddenly the baby is two babies and I say, “I gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl.” They are both suckling on my breasts. The amazing thing is that I know that this baby boy and this baby girl know what to do in the world on their own. All I have to do is to ask for the world to parent them and let go of that responsibility. So the gift of Abraham is solved. I do not offer my children as a sacrifice to some wrathful God but welcome the community of every human and say to everyone, “Help me raise these children. They contain all the beauty and pain that you do. Let us be the best parents for them and where each one of us fails know we can always invite others who will help, who will prop us up and bring us back in.”

I hold my hands palm up and open to God. I feel alone but suddenly I know that both Justice, with her eyes gouged out, blindfolded, holding the sword of striking love and the balance in her hands, is standing behind me next to Christ. Together they both overlook and over hear my shoulders and know how I treat these newborn children. Justice and Christ hold the children, born of the love of the presence of God, born of God of the Virgin Void and born of the earth that they Justice and Christ have given to me.

My focus fixes on my stomach, which with an in-breath I suck my stomach in. I turn round and face Justice and Christ. They say in unison, “You have experienced a total ring of pain. You have held it as you have walked the bridge. Build a set of guardians around you who will both protect you from yourself from within and from without people who will misunderstand you. People will look up to you, thinking they understand and will project on you authority. Other people will overstand you. They will bear down on you shouting their authority and raging at what you have said. Keep it personal. Do not talk of politics. Always talk of Christ and Justice’s children, our children. Ask people always, “If Jesus Christ is the father and Justice is the mother of this child, how will you treat this child, whether the child is now a grown person of ninety years of age or still a new born babe?” Love especially the women too because for too long they have not been able to author from the ground up, to speak straight from what they sense in their bodies. Everybody will be authors and tell their own parable. Everyone will stand with his or her feet fully embodied on the ground full of the love of God. They will be infused from the earth and infused from above. They will be infused with Christ’s spirit, be that male or female, alive in every moment. That is what you will talk about. Amen”

I see myself meeting a woman on the road. I say, “You nourish me with food and your home and still I make you worthless. Forgive me for this sin. It is pain I did not know how to connect with until today. How do I atone for this sin?” Justice and Christ say in unison, “Lift the blindfolds and blinkers from your eyes. Stop gouging out the eyes of others. Restore sight and let those with new eyes, let all their voices rise. You will think their voices will sound like a cacophony but it will sound into a glory to God. And there will be those who divide, and divide and divide. But carry on. If they strike you down by then it will be too late. Bridges will have been built across the world.  They, who will stop these voices, will be left trying to figure out what went wrong, but by then a new hosanna will rise as the song from the earth. Keep your feet on the ground, walk one step at a time, your teardrops will be like atom bombs of love, let them shimmer across the world. The teardrops of joy will wash away the suffering of every man-man-woman-woman-child-child. Your day has now begun.”

Amen.

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